Blasting Life Back

i just wanna hug you

raikou13 — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 18:54:08 +0000

I’m sorry that I’m posting this but i guess that its the only way i know at the moment how i can let out everything before i blow up. i really do appreciate you telling me all that.

i dont pity you. i don’t want to. but i am sorry. for not being there for you when u told me. I’m sorry. i feel so helpless now. i never would wish for anything of such to happen to anyone, least you of all people, someone that i care about, someone very important to me and of course the one person that i love. it must have taken so much courage from you to be able to tell me knowing fully well its a past you never want to re-live. I’m sorry for asking you to tell me. I’m sorry.

im crying a lot just trying to get the words out but really nothing i say or do will change that fact. we both know it.

i just wish i could take away all that pain, i wish that i could just remove that memory from you, i wish that i was there when you needed someone the most, i wish that i was there to stop it from happening, i wish i was there to make sure it didn’t happen, i wish i could turn back time and not have you go through all that.

I’m angry that people prejudged you . I’m angry that they make stupid cracks at you. but i cannot blame them for not knowing. if only they knew but i promised you it’ll stay with me to my grave.

i will always be there for you. you need to know that. i want you to trust in that. i really do love you so fucking damn much. i respect your decisions on our relationship and i accept that but that doesn’t change a single thing as to how damn important you are to me.

its worse than a drug

raikou13 — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 17:00:17 +0000

being high and crashing so often sucks. its messed up. then again, even if its imaginary, aren’t the consequences real?

breaking out from the mold

raikou13 — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:30:51 +0000

so i wanted to sleep but after rolling in bed for an hour i decided venting here would hopefully do me some good. been needing a lot of coffee to keep me running on normal mode. I’m not even running on optimum but yeah. i need to straighten my head out and get all this work finished asap. this semester really does not look promising at all. all the hours thats going to be needed to put in is plain crazy. once again if not for the crazy soci people that keep me sane i really don’t knw how I’m going to survive.

i really don’t want to conform to what people want me to be. i just want to start telling people to just fuck off cos i don’t want to give a fuck bout things. i just want to rip some heads out and tell them the universe does not revolve around them. yes, at times you people do make sense but stop it with the insincere humbling of yourselves. no one is perfect and neither are people inherently nice. trying to be nice always ends up with me being anxious, frustrated, pissed and then just losing all hope. i just wanna go out there and tell the world “up yours!”. Having to always be a replacement, just being the back up, just being no 2, being the substitute. if anything else, i pride myself in being sensitive to the emotional changes of others. i do know when things are not right. i have no desire for any material gains, for a status or anything of that sort. things are just not right. i can’t comprehend how people think that just cause I’m nice that i will forever be nice. i think that being described as a nice person is just insulting. with a whole plethora of adjectives out there, being known as nice just sounds pretty condescending to me. I’m really questioning why I go out of the way to please people. i used to be able to tell people to fuck off. i used to have more guts than this. i used to not give a fuck and try things. i didn’t care what people think.

running on low batt

raikou13 — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:31:24 +0000

I’m totally exhausted. emotionally.

and not a single fuck was given that day

raikou13 — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:19:19 +0000

if anything else, i pride myself for being rational most of the time and being able to think through things and sort it out by myself. however, thanks to Murphy’s Law, its good that my friends are rational as well.they respond to the need to talk like a panic button being pressed and they save my sanity pretty much most of the time. and yeah, the gist of it all, its scary to care. cause caring almost always means something. i guess this leads back to the whole issue of familiarity.

diriku hanya insan biasa.

Familiarity

raikou13 — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 10:21:40 +0000

Familiarity is something which is dang dangerous. The things it keeps doing to you and the things that u think of just puts u into a fall sense of comfort. Comfort which lulls into complacency and then things are taken for granted. Not doing anything cos there really is nothing to be done about it. This is just dangerous.

the traditional new year post

raikou13 — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 20:20:24 +0000

oh well, what would a new year post be if it were not typed out at 4 in the morning as usual just as I’m starting to feel sleepy and feel all sorts of other nonsense. so 2011 has been a pretty interesting year with lots of starts and ends. i guess it yet another turning point with NS finally being over, getting my first professional job and of course now that I’m in uni.

Definitely recall all the good times in NS and the not-so good times but all that seems so long ago now. Working has really opened up my eyes to many things in life and if there has been anything that made me grow up it would be that. Also got into my first car accident and hopefully the last one. it was minor by any standard but it really left a mark. I’m by no means a better driver but I’m just more aware. Back to my job, it basically opened me to so many things and allowed me to meet so many new people and establish the old. Ive gotten skills i never thought id pick up and yeah it also made me realize that life is really short and that there are really other things in life that is more fulfilling than being super loaded with moolah (although i must add a disclaimer that all and any money is definitely appreciated)

emotionally it definitely wasn’t the smoothest ride i thought i would be expecting but i guess coming out of it made me stronger and a lot more conscious bout what I’m doing. well, if anything, being on that roller coaster ride was quick and over pretty fast. then again, my efforts at compartmentalizing certain things have been pretty much a failure and yeah, I’m still worked up over the very same things over the past few years. i guess in that instance some things haven’t really changed. bleargh. all these years and nothings changed. too bad it would take some divine intervention for everything to really work out. i still haven’t summed up the guts to do what i need to. damn

but yeah, there are always 2 sides to the coin and yeah, 2011 if as a blessing can be summed up pretty much by the new people I’ve met and being closer to the ones i already know. people like the golden trio, caesar og mates, hall6 people, soci friends. who would have thought that there was so many awesome people that i would meet this year. then again the regular meet ups with the VS coffee club, ac dancers and sa5-kiahs really have been awesome. miss the lot of them. also gotten real close to mum,dad, bro and sis ever since i moved to hall. its really quality time over quantity although we would all like more quality time.

well 2011, u have been tolerable but thanks for the many awesome people that have come into my life. 2012, be nice.

4am thoughts

raikou13 — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 20:38:57 +0000

A lot has happened this past few weeks since semester break began. lotsa things and I’m really waiting for the time when I’m going to catch a break. its been a growing time i suppose figuring out new things, polishing old things and remembering what the important things are. then again there are also things I’ve missed for a very very long time that i can’t really describe. its not easy having to lie to people that its nothing, its even harder telling myself that. its not nothing, its not just anything, it meant and still means everything to me. sucks to be me.

when all is said and done.

raikou13 — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 19:15:44 +0000

I’m just madly in love with you.

The holidays

raikou13 — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:55:05 +0000

NOTHING CAN SPOIL MY MOOD TODAY. NOTHING!!!!